Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Advice Column: The Answers You've Been Forgetting About!

Dear Reader,
This morning, while on my way to work, on the subway, a hornet stung me in the back of the neck. Let me just repeat. Hornet. Me. Stung. Neck. Subway. What the fuck?

When your day starts out like that, you know it's time to write a frivolous blog. And what could be more frivolous than that advice column idea I had a couple months back (see entry "New Blog Experiment"). So, here we go. You asked the questions, and now the answers bubble forth.

Q: Where should I work when I move to New York? I'm talking an office job where I don't have to think that much and make at least 50k a year?

A: Do you know how to fudge? Not as in make sugary desserts, but as in do illegal things with numbers? If so, I recommend organized crime. See, "organized" crime is really kind of a misnomer, because most of those guys don't really have their shit together. Hoes run their mouths and you can't turn your back on a crackhead, and that's why guys like them need guys like you to manage logistics. Also, their dental plan is second to none (if you're into iced-out grills).

Q: Why do we sleep?

A: Jesus is always watching over us, but if he stares at something for more than about sixteen hours straight, he starts going all buggy-eyed. When he was pronounced legally blind at the DMV his dad intervened, so he just kind of has us conk out after a while. Talk about nepotism.

Q: What the hell this "shining beam of golden light" is that everyone keeps telling me that "lives inside of me and someday when I figure it all out I'll find my true calling and I'll conquer the world" sooo, what the heck am I going to do with my life??? what is my "true" calling???

A: The "shining beam of golden light" (or the SBGL) is extremely bright. If we look too hard at a magnesium spark, it will burn our retinas. If we look too hard at the SBGL, it will burn our consciousness. This is why we can only catch fleeting glimpses -- self preservation. If you want to see it more clearly, I recommend the following: breathe long, slow, and deep. Now pull back. Pull back from your tangled web of thought. Pull back from your concept of who you are. Pull back far enough so that it isn't overwhelmingly bright and scary. You won't be able to see all of the details, but you will have a better chance of understanding what direction it lies in, and which way it points. Mustering up the courage to follow, is a whole other thing.

Q: Why are my feet peeling?

A: Because you're gross. Work on that.

Q: Can you suggest a restaurant that won't break the bank but will be filling, nutritious, and delicious that isn't burritos?

A: Cinderella Falafel. 2nd Ave. between 7th St. and St. Marks. No joke.

Q: What do I do while the guy is putting the condom on? I hate that moment. It makes me feel really anxious, and it's just awkward.

A: How do you think he feels? Seriously, though, this is a great question. The answer is incredibly simple, and it amazes me how few people seem to know it. Basically... wait, mom, if you're reading this, skip to the next one... okay, basically, the broad answer is "maintain contact/connection". To be perfectly honest, the 1 best thing you can do while he's struggling to get that wrapper open is to go down on him. Pure and simple. It will not only keep blood where it needs to be, and awaken more nerve endings, it also lubricates the head before he puts the condom on, which is going to make the sex way more enjoyable for him (which, hopefully, translates into better for you, too). Be careful not to push him over the edge, but slow teasing with your mouth just until he's got the thing ready to go, and he will remember you forever. Really, any kind of teasing that will turn him on is good, but maintaining some kind of physical contact (specifically with his or your erogenous zones) is a must.

Q: What is UP with monogamy?

A: Good question, lady! I think a huge part of monogamy is where and when someone is in their personal timeline/geography, and how it lines up with another person's where and when. There are, of course, schemas at work, and we almost certainly have some amount of unconscious programming that we picked up as a child, throughout our teen years, and even into adulthood. Our experiences shape who we are, as much as who we are shapes our experiences. But, in my meager experience, it's all in the timing (or a lot of it is, anyway). When I'm in crush mode, I am going to fall for someone. I may fall for someone else in a couple of weeks (if I'm still in crush mode), and it won't feel any less real to me, and if my perception tells me it's no less real, then who is to say it isn't? When two people who are in crush mode (i.e. are wanting to find someone to really like) find each other, and if there's chemistry, then boom, relationship (unless our baggage gets in the way). Oh, wait, I've gotten a little off track here. Monogamy. I think that's just when you continue to be in crush mode on one specific person, and your crush overpowers your urges to fuck other people, and uh, they feel the same about you.

Q: With all the money she has....why didn't Lindsay Lohan hire a driver?

A: Because she's an idiot/asshole. An idihole, if you will.

Q: Which is the best Weezer album? The Blue Album or Pinkerton? (it's obviously between those two)

A: Obviously, and the answer is Pinkerton. In fact, that whole question was a waste of space. Are you kidding me? Pinkerton Pinkerton Pinkerton. Sheesh.

Q: Do you lead with your lips or your tongue?

A: I'm pretty sure you're talking about kissing, right? Personally, I'm a lip-leader, and generally don't bring the tongue into the equation for at least 20 seconds or so, but I've smooched plenty of tongue-leaders, too, and that can be fun as well. Going tongue-first definitely has more of a full-throttle feel to it, whereas lips first gives creates a little suspense. I'm generally pretty happy either way, but there are definitely those out there who have strong opinions one way or the other. If you like it either way and are unsure what to do, I'd say start with lips, and you can quickly add tongue like it ain't no thang if that's the direction your partner heads in. Tongue first could potentially startle someone... but if that's the case, you may be making out with the wrong person for you.

and lastly...

Q: Who is really asking for help, those who asks questions or who asks to answer...?

A: Ooooh, you just mind-fucked me. Congrats. Honestly, probably me (the one who asks to answer), because I wanted to write a blog like this, and didn't want to make up the questions myself. Plus, I want to feel smart and pretty and witty, and all that stuff. But, I'll tell you what, I had a good time with this, so if you enjoyed it, or if you think of more questions, post 'em in comments (or email me directly if you're embarrassed), and maybe I'll do it again.

And watch out for hornets on the subway. Those fuckers hurt. A lot.


7.20.07 2.03am

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