Well, I went to a couple of pumpkin patches today. Problem was, all the really big ones had been taken already. I got the biggest one I could find, though. I took it home and cut a great big hole out of the top. Then I emptied out all of the gunk and separated the seeds (I'm going to spice and roast those fuckers later). It took forever to clean it out. Then I cut a couple big leg-holes. Then things got weird.
Have you ever tried on large vegetables before? Well, you don't want to ruin your clothes if it isn't going to work, so there you are, standing in the mirror, naked, trying to pull a fourteen dollar pumpkin up to your waist. Hole too small. Cut a little more. Still too small. Cut a little more. Oh, SO close now! Cut a little more, then pull it on, and you've almost got it, and you give it just one last tug, and what happens? Your ass splits the pumpkin in two. This is embarrassing for many reasons: 1.) Your ass just broke a pumpkin; 2.) You're now standing it the mirror, holding a big, useless, broken pumpkin, and the entire (naked) lower half of your body is covered with pumpkin slime and fibre. That's hot.
Here's what you do then:
1.) Swear. (try "Fuck!", I think that's what worked for me).
2.) Wonder to yourself if incidents like this might perhaps be a clue into why you're single.
3.) Still grumbling, go take a shower.
4.) While in the shower, contemplating your back-up costume, you will say the following to yourself:
"You know? I really don't feel like going as the World's Ugliest Party-Girl, again. After all, it wasn't such a big hit at Burning Man (except with that guy who grabbed my balls)." Then you decide, "Fuck it! No cracked-pumpkin's gonna get me down!"
You resolve to simply wear underwear underneath your pumpkin (sell-out). You dry off, bore four more holes in the pumpkin, and then, slipping the cold, damp, orange squash back on, you fashion crude suspenders made of rope. That done, you take it off, shower again (for the second to last time of the day), then take out your permanent marker, and on your gourd-loin-covering your write your super-hero name.
Happy Halloween, "CAPTAIN PUMPKIN PANTS", go break some hearts!
Post Scriptum: Captain Pumpkin Pants won 2nd prize in a costume contest. Just another victory to throw on the Captain's pile.